The most recent Covid-19 statistics available for East Suffolk to March 20th 2024 are here - eastsuffolkcovid19.uk
(Last updated on: 28th March 2024 at 4:52pm)
-----◄►-----
- - - LINK TO GULL WING BRIDGE LIVE STREAM - - -
-----◄►-----
Click on the header image above to go to the latest uploads in the forum gallery of bridge construction images

Jokes "doing the rounds"

Have fun, but keep it reasonably clean, remember this is a moderated, family-oriented site!
Forum rules
Where appropriate, some of the word games in this forum have an explanation on how the game works and these are given in the first post on Page 1 of that topic. If you are unsure how the game works then please read these in advance of posting at these links: WORD ASSOCIATION GAME and Add (+) or Take (-) a Letter Game
Post Reply
blackrockhero
Posts: 12
Joined: Wed Feb 08, 2017 4:46 pm
Male/Female: male

Re: Jokes doing "the rounds"

Post by blackrockhero » Sun Feb 12, 2017 11:29 pm

Latest post of the previous page:

I walked into a bar the other, see a guy sitting at the end of the bar very very drunk . I asked the bar tender if he was OK ? Bar tender said that his wife left him about Ten years ago and he has been like that every since ! I was thinking there is a man who knows how to celebrate !!! :D

User avatar
Dave
Site Moderator
Site Moderator
Posts: 30535
Joined: Sat Jan 30, 2010 1:31 pm
Male/Female: Male
Location: Standon Village, Hertfordshire.

Re: Jokes doing "the rounds"

Post by Dave » Sun Mar 05, 2017 11:12 am

Dr. Geezer's Clinic.
 
An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.
He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000."
Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.
Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me ??"
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr. Young: Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500.
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back . That will be $500."
Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!!!!"
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill)
Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"
If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in the dark.

User avatar
Dave
Site Moderator
Site Moderator
Posts: 30535
Joined: Sat Jan 30, 2010 1:31 pm
Male/Female: Male
Location: Standon Village, Hertfordshire.

Re: Jokes doing "the rounds"

Post by Dave » Sat Mar 18, 2017 3:35 pm

•    Venison for dinner again?   Oh deer!
 
•    How does Moses make tea?   Hebrews it.
 
•    England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
 
•    I tried to catch some fog, but I mist
 
•    They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.
 
•    I changed my iPod's name to Titanic.  It's syncing now.
 
•    Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
 
•    I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
 
•    I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
 
•    This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
 
•    When chemists die, they barium.
 
•    I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.   I just can't put it down.
 
•    I did a theatrical performance about puns.   It was a play on words.
 
•    Why were the Indians here first?  They had reservations.
 
•    Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because
     
     she couldn't control her pupils?
 
•    When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
 
•    Broken pencils are pointless.
 
•    What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?  A thesaurus.
 
•    I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
 
•    I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
 
•    Velcro - what a rip off!
 
•    Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.
If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in the dark.

User avatar
boatbuilder
Site Administrator
Site Administrator
Posts: 56755
Joined: Sat Aug 28, 2010 4:36 pm
Male/Female: Male
Location: Carlton Colville - Lowestoft
Contact:

Re: Jokes doing "the rounds"

Post by boatbuilder » Sat Mar 18, 2017 4:22 pm

Love 'em Dave :lol:
See my Suffolk Pictures at https://suffolk-world.com

Image
S t r e t c h e d - O y s t e r

You forget what you want to remember and remember what you would prefer to forget

User avatar
nikkai
Gold Member
Gold Member
Posts: 7596
Joined: Mon Jan 04, 2010 9:41 pm
Male/Female: Male
Location: Pakefield in the quiet bit

Re: Jokes doing "the rounds"

Post by nikkai » Sat Mar 18, 2017 7:23 pm

:D :lol: :D
The challenge is not to manage time, but to manage ourselves.
Steven Covey

User avatar
Dave
Site Moderator
Site Moderator
Posts: 30535
Joined: Sat Jan 30, 2010 1:31 pm
Male/Female: Male
Location: Standon Village, Hertfordshire.

Re: Jokes doing "the rounds"

Post by Dave » Sun Mar 19, 2017 11:33 am

They were emailed to me and I thought they would raise a laugh. Unfortunately I can't post some of the jokes I'm sent as this is a family site. ;) :D
If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in the dark.

User avatar
SNiBet
Bronze member
Bronze member
Posts: 499
Joined: Tue Feb 07, 2017 12:12 pm
Male/Female: Male
Location: Lowestoft

Re: Jokes doing "the rounds"

Post by SNiBet » Thu Mar 23, 2017 5:15 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol:

User avatar
nikkai
Gold Member
Gold Member
Posts: 7596
Joined: Mon Jan 04, 2010 9:41 pm
Male/Female: Male
Location: Pakefield in the quiet bit

Re: Jokes doing "the rounds"

Post by nikkai » Thu Mar 23, 2017 9:08 pm

You could pass them on in the PM option
The challenge is not to manage time, but to manage ourselves.
Steven Covey

User avatar
Strogger
Posts: 92
Joined: Fri Feb 14, 2014 12:57 pm
Male/Female: Male

Re: Jokes doing "the rounds"

Post by Strogger » Mon Mar 27, 2017 3:55 pm

Aging qukly lol

1.. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2.. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.

3.. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4.. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5.. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

6.. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it ?

7.. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.

8.. Some days, you're the top dog; some days you're the lamppost.

9.. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.

16. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".

19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

20. HAVE I SENT THIS MESSAGE TO YOU BEFORE..........???

User avatar
SNiBet
Bronze member
Bronze member
Posts: 499
Joined: Tue Feb 07, 2017 12:12 pm
Male/Female: Male
Location: Lowestoft

Re: Jokes doing "the rounds"

Post by SNiBet » Mon Mar 27, 2017 9:26 pm

Hahahaha :lol: :lol: :lol:

User avatar
Dave
Site Moderator
Site Moderator
Posts: 30535
Joined: Sat Jan 30, 2010 1:31 pm
Male/Female: Male
Location: Standon Village, Hertfordshire.

Re: Jokes doing "the rounds"

Post by Dave » Thu May 11, 2017 3:20 pm

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in the dark.

User avatar
Dave
Site Moderator
Site Moderator
Posts: 30535
Joined: Sat Jan 30, 2010 1:31 pm
Male/Female: Male
Location: Standon Village, Hertfordshire.

Re: Jokes doing "the rounds"

Post by Dave » Thu May 11, 2017 3:21 pm

A man is walking in a graveyard when he hears the Third Symphony played backward. When it’s over, the Second Symphony starts playing, also backward, and then the First. “What’s going on?” he asks a cemetery worker.

“It’s Beethoven,” says the worker. “He’s decomposing.”
If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in the dark.

User avatar
Mel
Gold Member
Gold Member
Posts: 11424
Joined: Wed Jan 06, 2010 9:15 am
Male/Female: Male

Re: Jokes doing "the rounds"

Post by Mel » Sat May 13, 2017 10:48 pm

A husband had just finished reading a book called ‘You Can Be The Man of Your House’.
He announced to his wife: ‘From now on, my word is law.
You will make me a gourmet meal tonight with a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner you will run me a bath. You will towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will give me a massage.
Then tomorrow guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?

The wife replied: ‘The funeral director would be my first guess.’
My Flickr pictures look here

User avatar
boatbuilder
Site Administrator
Site Administrator
Posts: 56755
Joined: Sat Aug 28, 2010 4:36 pm
Male/Female: Male
Location: Carlton Colville - Lowestoft
Contact:

Re: Jokes doing "the rounds"

Post by boatbuilder » Sun May 14, 2017 1:00 am

I trust you weren't THE man, Mel. :lol:
See my Suffolk Pictures at https://suffolk-world.com

Image
S t r e t c h e d - O y s t e r

You forget what you want to remember and remember what you would prefer to forget

User avatar
Mel
Gold Member
Gold Member
Posts: 11424
Joined: Wed Jan 06, 2010 9:15 am
Male/Female: Male

Re: Jokes doing "the rounds"

Post by Mel » Sun May 14, 2017 6:51 am

boatbuilder wrote:I trust you weren't THE man, Mel. :lol:
I wouldn't dare !! Boatbuilder ;) :)

This woman's husband had been ill in hospital for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he was lucid, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear," she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth, eyes welling with tears.
"I think you're bad luck..."
My Flickr pictures look here

User avatar
Dave
Site Moderator
Site Moderator
Posts: 30535
Joined: Sat Jan 30, 2010 1:31 pm
Male/Female: Male
Location: Standon Village, Hertfordshire.

Re: Jokes doing "the rounds"

Post by Dave » Mon May 22, 2017 12:25 pm

No matter how kind your child is, German children are kinder.

I bought one of those tapes to teach you Spanish in your sleep. During the night, the tape skipped. Now I can only stutter in Spanish.

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.

When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me £85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

If I had a pound for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in the dark.

Post Reply