Jokes "doing the rounds"

[Dave]

Latest post of the previous page:

No matter how kind your child is, German children are kinder.

I bought one of those tapes to teach you Spanish in your sleep. During the night, the tape skipped. Now I can only stutter in Spanish.

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.

When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me £85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

If I had a pound for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

[Strogger]

At the Iniskillin Winery warehouse the regular taster died, and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
A homeless street person, drunk and with a ragged, dirty look, came to apply for the position. The director wondered how to send him away. They gave him a glass to drink.
The old ‘troller tried it and said, “It's a Muscat three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable.”
“That's correct,” said the boss amazed at the skill.
“Another glass, please.”
“It's a cabernet, eight years old, south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at eight degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.”
“Absolutely correct. A third glass.”
He calmly said, “It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive.”
The director was astonished and winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine. The troller tried it. “It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father.”

[Mel]

Scientists have successfully grown human vocal chords in the laboratory...results speak for themselves.

[Trigger]

The Duracell Bunny has been arrested - and charged with battery.

[Mel]

Bought myself a pint of Tipp-Ex yesterday. Huge mistake.

[boatbuilder]

Which led me to think of this on the back of yours Mel.

Bought myself a pint of Tippex yesterday. Now I can't see anything on my computer screen.

[Dave]

Another one to join the list.

If I’m not mistaken, Tippex is pretty useless…

[Dave]

I stumbled on these Tim Vine jokes, a very funny man IMHO. His one liners remind me of Tommy Cooper's jokes.

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

[boatbuilder]

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

One of this forum's members used to have that as his 'signature' on the Lowestoft Online website. Can you guess who?

Clue: It wasn't me!

[Trigger]

Notice seen at entrance to pub's toilets:

MEN to the left because
WOMEN are always right

[Mel]

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

One of this forum's members used to have that as his 'signature' on the Lowestoft Online website. Can you guess who?

Was it Frankiesays, Boatbuilder.

Just watched a wildlife show on beavers. Best dam programme I've seen in a long time.

[boatbuilder]

No it was JustStu, Mel. Similar sort to his one on here.

viewtopic.php?f=6&t=741&p=61711#p61711

[Strogger]

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.

[Mel]

Walking my dogs they vanished into thin air. Not sure where they went, but I've got some leads.

[Mel]

I'm giving up using spray deodorants at the end of the year. Roll on 2018.

[Mel]

I told my wife she drew on her eyebrows too high. She seemed quite surprised.