Jokes "doing the rounds"

[Mel]

Latest post of the previous page:

I told my wife she drew on her eyebrows too high. She seemed quite surprised.

[morty1753]

Love it

[Dave]

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

[Strogger]

My wife told me: "Sex is better on holiday." That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive !!!!!!!!

[Dave]

I just got a great job helping a one arm typist when she wants to do capital letters. It’s shift work.

[Dave]

I got in touch with my inner self today.
That's the last time I'm buying Tesco Value toilet paper.

[Mel]

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, so I put my foot down.

[Strogger]

Can anyone help - how do I disable the auto-correct function on my wife ?
or
Is google a woman? Because it won't let you finish your sentence without coming up with other suggestions...............

[Mel]

Just saw a show on how ships are kept together. Riveting.

[Mel]

I lost my job at a calendar factory - I took two days off.

[Mel]

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. The man eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.
The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go."
The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"

[Dave]

A few Bob Monkhouse one liners.

"We were so poor mother had to sleep with a rag and bone man so we could have balloons for Christmas."

"Everybody laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well they're not laughing now."

"I still enjoy sex at 68. Well I live at number 66 it's no distance."

"I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my father. Not screaming and terrified like his passengers."

"I tend to sleep in the nude. Which isn't a bad thing except for maybe on those long flights."

"A tomcat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilots ribs and demanded: 'take me to the canaries.'"

"Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find out later she has money."

[Mel]

I almost got caught stealing a board game. It was a Risk I was willing to take.

[Strogger]

Two gas company servicemen, a training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a local neighborhood.

They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman watched through her kitchen window as the two men checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a footrace down the alley back to the truck -- just to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from the last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. Naturally, they stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figure I'd better run too!"

[Dave]

Peter Kay one liners.

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

[Mel]

I was a Hokey Cokey addict, but I turned myself around. That's what it's all about.