Jokes "doing the rounds"

[Dave]

Latest post of the previous page:

Aladdin has been banned from the magic carpet race.
Apparently he's been using performance enhancing rugs...

[Dave]

Wife: "Honey let's play a game?"
Husband: "Ok, what is the game all about?"
Wife: "If I mention a country, you will run to the left side of the room and touch the wall. And if I mention a bird you will run to the right side of the room and touch the wall. If you run to the wrong direction, you will give me all your salary for the month."
Husband: "Ok and if you fail, I will have your salary too right?"
Wife: (smile) "Yes darling."
Husband: "Ok" (stood up and was ready to run to any direction)
Wife: "Are u ready?"
Husband: "Yes, ready."
Wife: "Turkey"

[Dave]

I tried to get into a trendy London nightclub last night.
The doorman said to me,
"Sorry mate, you've had too many".
I replied, "What, drinks?"
He said, "No, birthdays!"

[Dave]

I went to the seaside yesterday and stopped at this stall with a sign which said "Lobster tails £1".

I gave the man the money and he said "Once upon a time there was a lobster..."

[boatbuilder]

Did you teach him how to spell, Dave?

[Dave]

[first day as a pilot 1]

Control tower: What's your location?
Me: I'm in the cockpit.
Control tower: I mean where is the airplane?
Me: Mainly behind me.

[first day as a pilot 2]

Control tower: What are your coordinates?
Me: I'm by a cloud that looks like a lion.
Control tower: Can you be more specific?
Me: Simba

[Dave]

A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.
Since he wasn’t physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral.
However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.

One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Gunnery Sergeant for his personal staff.
The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview.
At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?”
The Master Chief answered, “Why yes. I couldn’t help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I don’t know whether this impacts your hearing on that side.”
The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.
The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, “Well yes, you seem to be short one ear.”
The Admiral threw him out also.
The third interview was with the Marine Gunnery Sergeant .
He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together.
The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question.
“Do you notice anything different about me?”
To his surprise the Gunnery Sergeant said, “Yes. You wear contact lenses.”
The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. “And how do you know that?” the Admiral asked.
The Gunny replied, “Well sir, it’s pretty hard to wear glasses with only one ear.”

[boatbuilder]

[Dave]

An old man lived alone in Tasmania.
He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work.
His only son, Jase, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Jase,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year; I'm just getting to old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love Dad.

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,

For heaven's sake, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the BODIES. Love Jase.

At 4A.M. the next morning, the Federal Police and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologised to the old man and left. The same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad.

Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love Jase.

[Dave]

An elderly lady was concerned about her husband’s hearing.
It seemed that every time she would call him, he wouldn’t respond.
So, the lady went to the doctor to ask his advice.
The doctor said to her, “when you go home, tell your husband to stand at the end of the hallway, and you should stand at the other end. Ask him what he wants for dinner. Continue to move him closer towards you until he responds to your question so you know exactly how far away he is from you when he finally hears you.”
She thought this was a great idea.

When she got home, she placed her husband at the end of the hallway and yelled, “Herbert, what do you want for dinner?”
There was no response.
She moved 10 feet closer.
Again she yelled, “Herbert, what do you want for dinner?”
No response.
She moved another 15 feet closer to where she was now practically face to face with her husband.
She yelled even louder this time, “HERBERT, what do you want for dinner?”
Herbert yelled back at her, “For the THIRD time, I want chicken!”

[Dave]

Some friends are having a joint Burns Night and Chinese New Year Party this weekend
They're calling it Chinese Burns Night.

I wasn't going to go but they twisted my arm.

[Dave]

Prime Minister Medvedev goes to Putin’s office and tells him to abolish the time zones.
Putin asks, “Why?”

Medvedev says, “I can’t find myself with these times:
-I arrive at a city, call home and everyone is asleep
-I go on a visit, and call you at 4AM but I thought it was the evening.
-I wish Angela Merkel a happy birthday, she tells me it was yesterday.
-I wish the Chinese President happy Chinese New Year and they say it’s tomorrow.

Putin replies, “These are just inconveniences, any issues? For example, when the Polish President’s plane crashed I called the Poles to express my condolences, but the plane hadn’t taken off yet!”

[boatbuilder]

Be careful Boris when you visit Ukraine.

[Dave]

A circuit-riding preacher trained his horse to go when he said, “Praise the Lord,” and to stop when he said, “Amen.”

The preacher mounted the horse, said “Praise the Lord,” and went for a ride in the nearby mountains.

When he wanted to stop for lunch by a mountain stream, he said, “Amen.”

He took off again, saying “Praise the Lord.”

The horse started heading toward the edge of a cliff on a narrow mountain trail.

The preacher got excited and said, “Whoa!” Then he remembered and said, “Amen,” and the horse stopped just short of the edge.

The preacher was so relieved that he looked up to heaven and said, “Praise the Lord!”

[boatbuilder]

[boatbuilder]

A person living in Germany wants to take a holiday in Great Britain and wonders if they should go by car, by plane or by train. They decide to practice driving on the left side on an autobahn.

After ten minutes they decide - definitely no car!