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Jokes "doing the rounds"

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Mel
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Re: Jokes doing "the rounds"

Post by Mel » Sat Jul 22, 2017 6:07 am

Latest post of the previous page:

I was a Hokey Cokey addict, but I turned myself around. That's what it's all about.
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Re: Jokes doing "the rounds"

Post by Trigger » Sat Jul 22, 2017 10:58 am

And God said to John, come forth and you shall be granted eternal life.
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
‘Remember to look up at the stars and not down at your feet’ - Professor Stephen Hawking

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Re: Jokes doing "the rounds"

Post by Trigger » Sun Jul 23, 2017 8:08 am

'I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said, "Those are pickled onions, sir."
‘Remember to look up at the stars and not down at your feet’ - Professor Stephen Hawking

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Re: Jokes doing "the rounds"

Post by Dave » Wed Jul 26, 2017 6:10 pm

Did you hear about the Buddhist monk who refused Novocain during a root canal?

He wanted to transcend dental medication.
If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in the dark.

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Re: Jokes doing "the rounds"

Post by Mel » Thu Jul 27, 2017 9:54 am

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.
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Re: Jokes doing "the rounds"

Post by Trigger » Sat Jul 29, 2017 2:21 pm

in Jamaica steak and kidney pies are £1.75, chicken and mushroom £1.60 and apple pies £2.15.

In St. Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie is £2.00,chicken pie £1.70 and cherry pies £1.95.

In Trinidad and Tobago, steak and kidney pies are £2.50 but you can get 2 for £3.50.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
‘Remember to look up at the stars and not down at your feet’ - Professor Stephen Hawking

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Re: Jokes doing "the rounds"

Post by Trigger » Fri Aug 04, 2017 2:38 pm

A female Dr Who?
Well, great,
The viewers just cannot wait.
And in more clever ploys
The Daleks won't be boys
Or girls – but -
Indeterminate!
Indeterminate!
‘Remember to look up at the stars and not down at your feet’ - Professor Stephen Hawking

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Re: Jokes doing "the rounds"

Post by Trigger » Fri Aug 04, 2017 2:39 pm

Q: What do you do if you see a spaceman?
A: You park in it, man.

My family say I'm hopeless at fixing electrical appliances.
They're in for a shock.
‘Remember to look up at the stars and not down at your feet’ - Professor Stephen Hawking

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Re: Jokes doing "the rounds"

Post by Dave » Sun Aug 20, 2017 1:49 pm

Kenny and Diane were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they carefully watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Diane's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'

Kenny asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'

Kenny looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
'What are the greens fees?' grumbled Kenny.
 
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch. 'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to Kenny. This is Heaven; it is all free for you to enjoy.'
 
Kenny looked around and nervously asked Diane 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?'

'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'

'No gym to work out at?' said Kenny.

'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.

'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again.'

Kenny glared at Diane and said, 'You and your $%&£@+! Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'
If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in the dark.

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Re: Jokes doing "the rounds"

Post by boatbuilder » Sun Aug 20, 2017 2:17 pm

I love it, Dave. :lol: :lol: :lol:

Still, it would be worth waiting for. :D
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Re: Jokes doing "the rounds"

Post by Dave » Tue Aug 22, 2017 11:28 pm

boatbuilder wrote:I love it, Dave.
I'm glad you liked that one, boatbuilder, if you're squeamish don't read this one. :D

A man walked into the Doctor's complaining about having headaches for the past 20 years.
The Doctor said: "The good news is I can cure your headaches...The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was headache free for the first time in over 20 years, but he felt as if he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street he realized he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit."
The elderly salesman eyed him quickly and said, "Let's see, you're a size 44 long."
Joe laughed and said, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the tailor asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
"Let's see, 16 and a half neck, 34 sleeve."
Joe was surprised. "How did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years." The shirt fit perfectly.
As Joe looked at himself in the mirror, the salesman said, "You could use new shoes."
Since Joe was on a roll, he said, "Sure."
The man eyed Joe's feet and said, "9-1/2E."
Joe was astonished. "That's right. How did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the shoes and they also fit perfectly.
As Joe walked comfortably around the shop, the salesman asked, "How about new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said, "Why not."
The man stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see, size 36."
Joe laughed. "Finally I've got you! I've worn size 32 since I was 18 years old."
The tailor shook his head. "You can't wear a size 32. Size 32 underwear would press your testicles against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in the dark.

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Re: Jokes doing "the rounds"

Post by boatbuilder » Tue Aug 22, 2017 11:41 pm

Didn't say much for his doctor's medical knowledge then. :lol:
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Re: Jokes doing "the rounds"

Post by Mel » Thu Aug 24, 2017 7:19 am

A Norwich City fan had a really bad seat at Carrow Road. Looking round the stadium he spotted an empty seat on halfway line. Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat.

When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?" The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Norwich City fan."

The other man replied, "I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"

The man replied, "They're all at the funeral.
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Re: Jokes doing "the rounds"

Post by boatbuilder » Tue Nov 21, 2017 11:29 pm

Q. How does NASA organise a party?
A. They plan it.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? The food's OK but it has no atmosphere.

Q. What's the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?
A. One's very heavy, the other's a little lighter.

Q. What's the difference between a well-dressed cyclist and a scruffy guy on a tricycle?
A. A tyre.
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Re: Jokes doing "the rounds"

Post by Mel » Tue Dec 19, 2017 9:34 am

I have bought my wife a new fridge for Christmas. I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
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Re: Jokes doing "the rounds"

Post by Trigger » Thu Dec 21, 2017 8:47 am

How do Eskimos keep their igloos draught-free?

They put seals around the entrance.
‘Remember to look up at the stars and not down at your feet’ - Professor Stephen Hawking

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