Jokes "doing the rounds"

[boatbuilder]

Latest post of the previous page:

Doctor to patient: “So you are telling me you can’t hear in one ear. Are you sure?”
Patient: “Yes. I’m definite.”

[Dave]

A man walked into the doctors and said, “Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something’s wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you’ll hear it!”
The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man’s thigh only to hear, “Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks.”
“I’ve never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on.” The doctor asked.
“That’s nothing Doc. put your ear to my knee.”
The doctor put his ear to the man’s knee and heard it say “Man, I really need 10 bucks, just lend me 10 bucks!!”
“Sir, I really don’t know what to tell you. I’ve never seen anything like this.” The doctor was dumbfounded.
“Wait Doc, that’s not it. There’s more, just put your ear up to my ankle,” the man urged him.
The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, “Please, I just need 5 bucks. Lend me 5 bucks please if you can.”
I have no idea what to tell you,” the doctor said. “There’s nothing about it in my books,” he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books.
“I can make a well educated guess though. Based on life and all my previous experience I can tell you that your leg appears to be broke in three places.”

[Dave]

A woman brought a very limp duck to a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”
The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”
“Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,” replied the vet.
“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”
The vet sighed, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a old dog. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”
He turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!” she cried, “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!?”
The vet shrugged. “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.”

[Dave]

What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Same middle name.
I was horrified when my wife told me that my six-year-old son wasn't actually mine. Apparently I need to pay more attention during school pick-up.
What is the opposite of a croissant? A happy uncle.
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.
Which branch of the military accepts toddlers? The infantry.
Did you know you can actually listen to the blood in your veins? You just have to listen varicosely.
Though I enjoy the sport, I could never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.
I have a joke about time travel, but I'm not gonna share it. You guys didn't like it.
What's the opposite of irony? Wrinkly.
I was kidnapped by mimes once. They did unspeakable things to me.
Got a PS5 for my little brother. Best trade I've ever done!
What do the movies Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common? Icy dead people.
I finally decided to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust!
When you die, what part of the body dies last? The pupils…they dilate.
A friend of mine went bald years ago, but still carries around an old comb. He just can't part with it.

[Dave]

You know there's no official training for trash collectors? They just pick things up as they go along.
I'm thinking of a career where I estimate crowd sizes at different outdoor events. I wonder how many people are in that field.
What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills? Bernadette.
Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back? He was dead-lifting.
I saw Usain Bolt sprinting around the track shouting, "Why did the chicken cross the road!?" It was a running joke.
Where does the General keep his armies? In his sleevies.
How does a squid go into battle? Well-armed.
What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but their flag is a huge plus.
Where do you find a cow with no legs? Right where you left it.
A bear walks into a restaurant. He tells his waiter, "I want a grilled…cheese." The waiter says, "What's with the pause?" "Whaddya mean?" the bear replies. "I'm a bear!"
What's E.T. short for? Because he's got little legs.
What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Phillipe Phillope.
Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you'll be a mile away, and you'll have their shoes.
Two men meet on opposite sides of a river. One shouts to the other, "I need you to help me get to the other side!" The other guy replies, "You're on the other side!"
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

[Dave]

What did the mayonnaise say when the refrigerator door was opened? Close the door, I'm dressing.
"I stand corrected!" said the man in the orthopedic shoes.
I used to be addicted to soap. But I'm clean now.
What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between you and me, something smells.
Why is England the wettest country? Because the queen has reigned there for decades.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs. They always take things so literally.
What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale.
A guy goes to a pet store to buy a goldfish. The salesman asks him, "Do you want an aquarium?" The guy responds, "I don't care what star sign it is!"
What do you call bears with no ears? B–
What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.
Exaggerations have become an epidemic. They went up by a million percent last year.
And God said to John, "Come forth and you shall be granted eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did. Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
What's the difference between a golfer and a skydiver? A golfer goes *whack* "darn" and a skydiver goes "darn" *whack.*
They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now!

[Dave]

Two cows are grazing in a field. One cow says to the other, "You ever worry about that mad cow disease?" The other cow says, "Why would I care? I'm a helicopter!"
I told my physical therapist that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
What did the swordfish say to the marlin? You're looking sharp.
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger, then it hit me.
Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, "What's your favorite kind of music?" The other says, "I'm a big metal fan."
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
What do you call a bee that can't make up its mind? A maybe.
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There's no menu—you get what you deserve.
Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know, and I don't really care.
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.

[Dave]

Roland, an Englishman went to Spain on a fishing trip. While there, Roland hired a Spanish guide to help him find the best fishing spots. Since Roland was learning Spanish, he asked the guide to speak to him in Spanish and to correct any mistakes of usage. Together they were hiking on a mountain trail when a very large, purple and blue fly crossed their path.

The Englishmen pointed at the insect with his fishing rod, and announced, “Mira el mosca.” The guide, sensing a teaching opportunity to teach Roland, replied, “No, senor, “la mosca”, es feminina.” Roland looked at him in amazement, then back at the fly, and then said, “Good heavens... you must have incredibly good eyesight.”

[Dave]

Putin is held hostage by a terrorist. A Russian truckdriver stops at the back of a long queue on the motorway. He sees a policeman walking down the line of stopped cars to briefly talk to the drivers. As the policeman approaches the truck, the truckdriver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on?"
Policeman: "A terrorist is holding Putin hostage in a car. He's demanding 10 million rubles, or he'll douse Putin in petrol and set him on fire. So we're asking drivers for donations."
Driver: "Oh, ok. How much do people donate on average."
Policeman: "About a gallon."

[Dave]

During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"
He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."
I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."
He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

[boatbuilder]

Those Russians are tight, Dave.

[Dave]

Those Russians are tight, Dave.

Perhaps we can all have a whip round, boatbuilder.

[boatbuilder]

OK Dave.

[Dave]

I've given up social media for the New Year and am trying to make friends outside Facebook while applying the same principles.
Every day, I walk down the street and tell passersby what I've eaten, how I feel, what I did the night before, and what I will do tomorrow. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and me gardening. I also listen to their conversations and tell them I love them.

And it works. I already have three people following me… two police officers and a psychiatrist.

[boatbuilder]

Borrowed from another forum:

On Christmas Eve morning, a phone rings in the home of a liquor store manager.

The manager picks up, and a man asks in a formal tone: “Good morning sir, might I ask, at what time does your fine establishment open?”

“Well,” replies the manager politely, “We’re closed this Christmas Eve, so we won’t be opening today.”

“I see. Thank you for the information.”

On the next day, the phone rings early in the morning at the manager’s home, and the voice on the other line asks with a somewhat less steady voice: “Good morning sir, at what time – hic – d’ya open?”

“Well, today’s Christmas Day, so we’re closed today too,” the manager replies, barely keeping the frustration out of his voice.

“I schee, I schee,” the voice replies.

On Boxing Day, the phone rings once more. A slurring voice asks: “M’goodschir, I wshjustwondering, when d’ya open?”

“Look, I’ve had enough of this. You’ve called me on Christmas Eve and on Christmas Day, and I told you that we’re closed. Today’s Boxing Day and we’re definitely closed. But we’re open as usual at 9 AM tomorrow, and don’t worry, I’ll be there personally to make sure that they won’t let you in!”

“Lemmein? I don’t wantcha to – hic! – lemmein. I wantcha to lemmeout!

[Dave]

As Christmas fades away here are a few Christmas cracker jokes.

What do you call a lazy kangaroo? A pouch potato.
I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.
Why do we tell actors to "break a leg?" Because every play has a cast.
My uncle named his dogs Timex and Rolex. They're his watch dogs.
My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo, so I had to put my foot down.
A termite walks into a bar and says, "So, is the bar tender here?"
What do you get when you mix a cocker spaniel, a poodle, and a ghost? A cocker-poodle boo.
Why was six afraid of seven? Because 7-8-9.
What did the buffalo say when his kid went to college? Bison.
Why don’t we see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.